Poll Results: December 2011

Results: 7/14 votes for (10) Beyoncé

MKT is doing mighty fine, but it could be doing better. 

More stories to come--all aboard!

Why Zombies are the Next 'Twilight'

B. T. Dubbs     

     When the zombie infestation broke out, I knew my only survival depended on instinct.  Unfortunately, my first instinct is to always eat a sandwich.  “No time for a sandwich now” I told myself.

     As fast as I could say, “Holy shit, there’s a zombie in my house,” there in fact, was a zombie in my house.  He lunged forward with a desperate moan and took hold of my neck.  As he leaned in for a bite, I looked deep into his eyes and fell in love.  It occurred to me—this zombie is no monster; he’s just a misunderstood hottie. 

     Teeny boppers love mythical creatures.  From whimsical wizards to sexy vampires, we obsess over this ever-changing fictitious being.  Harry Potter will always kick ass, but the movies have ended and we have said “avada kedavra” to the whole thing.  The same will eventually happen to Twilight too and the entire vampire craze will run out of young blood to suck on.  But then what?

     My prediction is…ZOMBIES!!!  I can see the titles filling shelves everywhere: My Love Affair with a Zombie, He Likes Me for my Brains, The Abercrombie Zombie, and Festering Love.

     You might be thinking what’s attractive about mindless, brain-eating mutants? They don’t even have any manly scars in the shape of lighting bolts or pearly whites.

     Wizards and vampires didn’t start off appealing either you know.  What screams ‘hot damn!’ more than a 200-year-old, bearded freak named Merlin? Or Nosferatu? Honestly, have you seen Nosferatu? Holy shit. We distorted these original images into a sexier version over time.

     We can change zombies too.  Think of it like they are eating you because they can’t resist your underdeveloped, teenage body.  They already have the lusty, passionate moans.  But don’t mistake them as nasty pedophiles because they love you.  And you can love them back.  Now, strap a six-pack on ’em and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair and you’ve got it—the next big mythical dreamboat.

     However, if we assume they can love, then we assume they have feelings, so maybe we can just completely change the fact that they’re mindless.  Doing this will change the essential idea of zombies—but hey, vampires used to be scary too and we changed that.  Let’s completely disregard what zombies were originally intended to be and twist them into what will best fit my wet dreams. We can change what zombies are so much that they no longer even resemble the original thing.    

     All they need is a changed image. No more bloody guts; just studly butts.  No more senseless villains; just sensitive zombies named Dylan. It’s time for the new “version” of zombies to enter the ever-popular teen scene of ridiculous infatuations. 

New CHS Dress Code Includes Only ONE Rule

B.T. Dubbs and Baba Ganoush

    
     On November 18, CHS administration announced a new dress code to be enforced on the following Monday. The document is as follows:

   

    All persons coming onto Carlsbad High School's campus are expected to adhere to:

    1.  Students cannot be naked. Some article of clothing must be worn.

   

    Although the previous dress code seemed more restrictive, members of the administration believe the new rule will finally crack down on the blatant issue of nudity on campus.

     The previous dress code prohibited certain attire, but it never explicitly required students to actually wear clothing. Students recognized this loophole.

    “This has been my top priority since taking over as principal of CHS. The previous principal, who shall remain anonymous, allowed and embraced nude students. This will no longer be tolerated,” Principal Matt Steitz, Ed.D.,  said.

    Steitz told CHS  faculty about the changes on Thursday evening, prior to informing students over CHSTV on Friday. Most faculty supported the decision, yet it was met by some opposition.
     “I do not understand why a change in dress code is necessary,” Biology teacher Mr. Cavanaugh said.
     On Friday morning, Steitz’s announcement experienced a mixed reception among students. Some students stormed out of their classrooms into the 63 degree weather, only to return minutes later (still naked) and complaining about the cold.
     “I hate the new dress code. For the past three years, I have gotten away with wearing nothing. I noticed that the new dress code says I have to wear ‘some article of clothing’ so I am only going to wear one article: my ugg boots,” Senior Delaney Drost said.

     Although female students are more affected by the change, boys seem to be opposing it more adamantly.

    “I was really looking forward to studying a broad next semester. Eh? Eh? You see what I did there?” Senior Nick Low said, wearing only a beanie.

     It is unclear at this moment whether the new dress code is up for revision, but the MidKnight Train will be striving to find the naked truth at the bottom of this issue.

Do you find questions annoying when used in essays?

B.T. Dubbs

Do you ever start to peer edit a friend’s essay and realize their hook is nothing more than a stupid question? Do you read on to find that their entire introduction paragraph is simply a series of annoying inquiries? Does this approach to essay writing bother you as much as it bothers me?

When did we become so desperate that we thought the only way to bring up analytical concepts was through mindlessly questioning our readers? Does this technique seem oddly like we are interrogating the reader? Why do some novice writers think they can carelessly pose theoretical questions and not expect the reader to want to answer at least some of them?

Who came up with this terrible style of writing? How far back can we trace the origins of the question back to? Did the earliest scribes realize what a terrible thing the question would become?

To begin we must ask: was the question used so superfluously in earlier times? Did it lose all meaning so early in its existence? Or did it at one time actually try to reach a response from the reader? How did the able writer come to such a means to misuse the question as simply another way to state a thought? Why not reserve the question for times of calling upon the reader to actually think?

When can the reader answer for once? Have we not convinced the reader to never answer because he was simply never given the chance? Before he could even answer the first question, did we not ask a second question in quick succession to distract from the first question? Does the question answer itself, or does the answer question the question before the question has time to answer? Do you follow?

What has society gained from the ever-so generic question? Will we ever return to a time when one like Descartes can pose a question with real meaning? (What does it mean to be?) Or will we be forever trapped in a world where Lil’ John can drain all previous meaning of the question every time he asks “what?”

Why question? Why not simply answer the question that needs not be posed? What has the question done to the writer to deserve such abuse? Doesn’t such an approach abolish all meaning from the question?

Don’t answer that.

CHS Students Rescued from Chilean Mine

B.T. Dubbs

The Spanish Department’s annual trip to Chile usually involves a few games of fútbol, a churro tasting and a Chilean mariachi band, but a jalapeño mine in the quaint village of Concepción, Chile collapsed, trapping this year’s unlucky group of “Spanish-speakers.”

“Soy de Carlsbad. Me llamo Daniel,” Spanish 2 Freshman Daniel Levin (Spanish name: Nacho) said. “El gato le gusta la pizza.”

Profe Feaster, who attended this year’s trip although no longer teaching, required all students to speak Spanish while trapped in the mine and during news coverage. Unfortunately, most students were not adept in speaking Spanish despite their quality CHS education.

“Yo...Yo...Yo...no me gusta Chile. ¿Dónde estån mis pantalones?” Freshman Mark Huckaby (Spanish name: Joaquín) said.

Suspected reasons for the unfortunate collapse of the jalapeño mine varied. Students mostly blamed the faulty Chilean construction regulations. Profe Feaster had her own idea as to why the mine collapsed.

“I told my students that Karma would find them. Several students did not finish their diarios on time,” Profe Feaster said. “Karma found them and got all of us.”

A lack of communication in the mine tore the group apart. As the students struggled to use their limited linguistic skills, local Chilean citizens tried to help. Even though the locals could speak English perfectly well, the CHS students refrained from using their native tongue.

“I attempted to communicate with the American youth in the easiest way possible,” Chilean citizen Juan Pablo Ramirez said. “I speak English, quite eloquently if I may say. Unfortunately, they only articulated things in broken Spanglish. It took me a few hours to understand that they were even trapped in the mine. I thought they were trying to tell me their cat enjoys pizza or something. Others just kept on telling me what their name and age was in Spanish.”

The Chilean government rescued the CHS students after 9 days. The students survived off jalepeños and the company of each other.

“I used this opportunidad para woo mi crush. I used the pick-up line, ‘Sus labios son como un río de amor y tengo sed,’” Levin said. “It’s uno of the few things in Spanish that I have encontrado mucho useful-o.”

Love was in the musty, jalapeño-filled air. Levin currently dates his Hispanic crush, Heralda. Struggles in the mine sparked steamy love interests, fights and quality bonding time. The present dangers experienced on this year’s trip resulted in an uproar of opposition to all future trips.

Poll Results: May 2011

It seems that Lancer Express is the worst, BSU is the best, and CHSTV is the one with the hairy chest.

Student makes HUGE mistake!

Today, an unsuspecting freshman who wishes to stay anonymous entered the library through the exit bar. The library troll proceeded to yell at the student for 14 minutes and banned the student from the library forever.