Why Zombies are the Next 'Twilight'

B. T. Dubbs     

     When the zombie infestation broke out, I knew my only survival depended on instinct.  Unfortunately, my first instinct is to always eat a sandwich.  “No time for a sandwich now” I told myself.

     As fast as I could say, “Holy shit, there’s a zombie in my house,” there in fact, was a zombie in my house.  He lunged forward with a desperate moan and took hold of my neck.  As he leaned in for a bite, I looked deep into his eyes and fell in love.  It occurred to me—this zombie is no monster; he’s just a misunderstood hottie. 

     Teeny boppers love mythical creatures.  From whimsical wizards to sexy vampires, we obsess over this ever-changing fictitious being.  Harry Potter will always kick ass, but the movies have ended and we have said “avada kedavra” to the whole thing.  The same will eventually happen to Twilight too and the entire vampire craze will run out of young blood to suck on.  But then what?

     My prediction is…ZOMBIES!!!  I can see the titles filling shelves everywhere: My Love Affair with a Zombie, He Likes Me for my Brains, The Abercrombie Zombie, and Festering Love.

     You might be thinking what’s attractive about mindless, brain-eating mutants? They don’t even have any manly scars in the shape of lighting bolts or pearly whites.

     Wizards and vampires didn’t start off appealing either you know.  What screams ‘hot damn!’ more than a 200-year-old, bearded freak named Merlin? Or Nosferatu? Honestly, have you seen Nosferatu? Holy shit. We distorted these original images into a sexier version over time.

     We can change zombies too.  Think of it like they are eating you because they can’t resist your underdeveloped, teenage body.  They already have the lusty, passionate moans.  But don’t mistake them as nasty pedophiles because they love you.  And you can love them back.  Now, strap a six-pack on ’em and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair and you’ve got it—the next big mythical dreamboat.

     However, if we assume they can love, then we assume they have feelings, so maybe we can just completely change the fact that they’re mindless.  Doing this will change the essential idea of zombies—but hey, vampires used to be scary too and we changed that.  Let’s completely disregard what zombies were originally intended to be and twist them into what will best fit my wet dreams. We can change what zombies are so much that they no longer even resemble the original thing.    

     All they need is a changed image. No more bloody guts; just studly butts.  No more senseless villains; just sensitive zombies named Dylan. It’s time for the new “version” of zombies to enter the ever-popular teen scene of ridiculous infatuations. 

Do you find questions annoying when used in essays?

B.T. Dubbs

Do you ever start to peer edit a friend’s essay and realize their hook is nothing more than a stupid question? Do you read on to find that their entire introduction paragraph is simply a series of annoying inquiries? Does this approach to essay writing bother you as much as it bothers me?

When did we become so desperate that we thought the only way to bring up analytical concepts was through mindlessly questioning our readers? Does this technique seem oddly like we are interrogating the reader? Why do some novice writers think they can carelessly pose theoretical questions and not expect the reader to want to answer at least some of them?

Who came up with this terrible style of writing? How far back can we trace the origins of the question back to? Did the earliest scribes realize what a terrible thing the question would become?

To begin we must ask: was the question used so superfluously in earlier times? Did it lose all meaning so early in its existence? Or did it at one time actually try to reach a response from the reader? How did the able writer come to such a means to misuse the question as simply another way to state a thought? Why not reserve the question for times of calling upon the reader to actually think?

When can the reader answer for once? Have we not convinced the reader to never answer because he was simply never given the chance? Before he could even answer the first question, did we not ask a second question in quick succession to distract from the first question? Does the question answer itself, or does the answer question the question before the question has time to answer? Do you follow?

What has society gained from the ever-so generic question? Will we ever return to a time when one like Descartes can pose a question with real meaning? (What does it mean to be?) Or will we be forever trapped in a world where Lil’ John can drain all previous meaning of the question every time he asks “what?”

Why question? Why not simply answer the question that needs not be posed? What has the question done to the writer to deserve such abuse? Doesn’t such an approach abolish all meaning from the question?

Don’t answer that.

Senior Prank 2011

Ninja Jedi

Alright seniors, it’s now time for us to get our shit together. That’s right! I’m talking about having the most kick ass senior prank this high school (or any high school for that matter) has ever seen!
We have to show the administration that we are superior to all other senior classes in creativity for senior pranks! We can’t just go in and take over the teachers parking spots. NO! That’s stupid, and in my opinion, poorly thought out and executed.
This year, we gotta go all out on this sucker. We can’t be known as the senior class who didn’t give a crap about their senior prank. No, we’ve gotta blow other classes out of the water with a simply ingenious plan.
So how about some suggestions? Well, I believe that hamsters only cost like $3. If we can get 50 students to each buy one hamster and then let them go in the 3000 building, I’m sure that would cause much chaos. Or even just have two students that share a class get some sort of small rodent and unleash them in one of their classrooms.
Balloons aren’t too expensive right? What’s stopping us from
inflating 1000 balloons and putting them all inside the 3000 building early in the morning? I’ve always wanted to be a part of a food fight... If we can get 30 Seniors to start chucking food at each other, I’m certain other kids will join in. How about buying a bunch of rubber ducks and throwing them in the school pool? Does Costco sell plastic pink flamingos in bulk? I’m sure a couple hundred
of those on the new football field would have some people scratching their heads.
Spray painting out of order signs on all of the bathrooms, or even releasing 3 chickens on school grounds (respectively labeled 1, 2, and 4) will freak a lot of people out. How about getting 1000 Dixie paper cups and filling them up half full with water and laying them out in the halls and on the stairs of the 3000 building?
We, as seniors, have the responsibility to pull an awesome prank that people will remember for generations (or a few months). Why should we be limited to just one prank? I propose the idea of multiple senior pranks every day on the last two weeks before senior week. Everyone can split up into groups and determine which prank they wanna do, and then do said prank. Multiple pranks on the same day? Why the hell not?