B. T. Dubbs
When the zombie infestation broke out, I knew my only survival depended on instinct. Unfortunately, my first instinct is to always eat a sandwich. “No time for a sandwich now” I told myself.
As fast as I could say, “Holy shit, there’s a zombie in my house,” there in fact, was a zombie in my house. He lunged forward with a desperate moan and took hold of my neck. As he leaned in for a bite, I looked deep into his eyes and fell in love. It occurred to me—this zombie is no monster; he’s just a misunderstood hottie.
Teeny boppers love mythical creatures. From whimsical wizards to sexy vampires, we obsess over this ever-changing fictitious being. Harry Potter will always kick ass, but the movies have ended and we have said “avada kedavra” to the whole thing. The same will eventually happen to Twilight too and the entire vampire craze will run out of young blood to suck on. But then what?
My prediction is…ZOMBIES!!! I can see the titles filling shelves everywhere: My Love Affair with a Zombie, He Likes Me for my Brains, The Abercrombie Zombie, and Festering Love.
You might be thinking what’s attractive about mindless, brain-eating mutants? They don’t even have any manly scars in the shape of lighting bolts or pearly whites.
Wizards and vampires didn’t start off appealing either you know. What screams ‘hot damn!’ more than a 200-year-old, bearded freak named Merlin? Or Nosferatu? Honestly, have you seen Nosferatu? Holy shit. We distorted these original images into a sexier version over time.
We can change zombies too. Think of it like they are eating you because they can’t resist your underdeveloped, teenage body. They already have the lusty, passionate moans. But don’t mistake them as nasty pedophiles because they love you. And you can love them back. Now, strap a six-pack on ’em and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair and you’ve got it—the next big mythical dreamboat.
However, if we assume they can love, then we assume they have feelings, so maybe we can just completely change the fact that they’re mindless. Doing this will change the essential idea of zombies—but hey, vampires used to be scary too and we changed that. Let’s completely disregard what zombies were originally intended to be and twist them into what will best fit my wet dreams. We can change what zombies are so much that they no longer even resemble the original thing.
All they need is a changed image. No more bloody guts; just studly butts. No more senseless villains; just sensitive zombies named Dylan. It’s time for the new “version” of zombies to enter the ever-popular teen scene of ridiculous infatuations.
