Why Zombies are the Next 'Twilight'

B. T. Dubbs     

     When the zombie infestation broke out, I knew my only survival depended on instinct.  Unfortunately, my first instinct is to always eat a sandwich.  “No time for a sandwich now” I told myself.

     As fast as I could say, “Holy shit, there’s a zombie in my house,” there in fact, was a zombie in my house.  He lunged forward with a desperate moan and took hold of my neck.  As he leaned in for a bite, I looked deep into his eyes and fell in love.  It occurred to me—this zombie is no monster; he’s just a misunderstood hottie. 

     Teeny boppers love mythical creatures.  From whimsical wizards to sexy vampires, we obsess over this ever-changing fictitious being.  Harry Potter will always kick ass, but the movies have ended and we have said “avada kedavra” to the whole thing.  The same will eventually happen to Twilight too and the entire vampire craze will run out of young blood to suck on.  But then what?

     My prediction is…ZOMBIES!!!  I can see the titles filling shelves everywhere: My Love Affair with a Zombie, He Likes Me for my Brains, The Abercrombie Zombie, and Festering Love.

     You might be thinking what’s attractive about mindless, brain-eating mutants? They don’t even have any manly scars in the shape of lighting bolts or pearly whites.

     Wizards and vampires didn’t start off appealing either you know.  What screams ‘hot damn!’ more than a 200-year-old, bearded freak named Merlin? Or Nosferatu? Honestly, have you seen Nosferatu? Holy shit. We distorted these original images into a sexier version over time.

     We can change zombies too.  Think of it like they are eating you because they can’t resist your underdeveloped, teenage body.  They already have the lusty, passionate moans.  But don’t mistake them as nasty pedophiles because they love you.  And you can love them back.  Now, strap a six-pack on ’em and maybe an appropriate amount of chest hair and you’ve got it—the next big mythical dreamboat.

     However, if we assume they can love, then we assume they have feelings, so maybe we can just completely change the fact that they’re mindless.  Doing this will change the essential idea of zombies—but hey, vampires used to be scary too and we changed that.  Let’s completely disregard what zombies were originally intended to be and twist them into what will best fit my wet dreams. We can change what zombies are so much that they no longer even resemble the original thing.    

     All they need is a changed image. No more bloody guts; just studly butts.  No more senseless villains; just sensitive zombies named Dylan. It’s time for the new “version” of zombies to enter the ever-popular teen scene of ridiculous infatuations. 

New CHS Dress Code Includes Only ONE Rule

B.T. Dubbs and Baba Ganoush

    
     On November 18, CHS administration announced a new dress code to be enforced on the following Monday. The document is as follows:

   

    All persons coming onto Carlsbad High School's campus are expected to adhere to:

    1.  Students cannot be naked. Some article of clothing must be worn.

   

    Although the previous dress code seemed more restrictive, members of the administration believe the new rule will finally crack down on the blatant issue of nudity on campus.

     The previous dress code prohibited certain attire, but it never explicitly required students to actually wear clothing. Students recognized this loophole.

    “This has been my top priority since taking over as principal of CHS. The previous principal, who shall remain anonymous, allowed and embraced nude students. This will no longer be tolerated,” Principal Matt Steitz, Ed.D.,  said.

    Steitz told CHS  faculty about the changes on Thursday evening, prior to informing students over CHSTV on Friday. Most faculty supported the decision, yet it was met by some opposition.
     “I do not understand why a change in dress code is necessary,” Biology teacher Mr. Cavanaugh said.
     On Friday morning, Steitz’s announcement experienced a mixed reception among students. Some students stormed out of their classrooms into the 63 degree weather, only to return minutes later (still naked) and complaining about the cold.
     “I hate the new dress code. For the past three years, I have gotten away with wearing nothing. I noticed that the new dress code says I have to wear ‘some article of clothing’ so I am only going to wear one article: my ugg boots,” Senior Delaney Drost said.

     Although female students are more affected by the change, boys seem to be opposing it more adamantly.

    “I was really looking forward to studying a broad next semester. Eh? Eh? You see what I did there?” Senior Nick Low said, wearing only a beanie.

     It is unclear at this moment whether the new dress code is up for revision, but the MidKnight Train will be striving to find the naked truth at the bottom of this issue.

Do you find questions annoying when used in essays?

B.T. Dubbs

Do you ever start to peer edit a friend’s essay and realize their hook is nothing more than a stupid question? Do you read on to find that their entire introduction paragraph is simply a series of annoying inquiries? Does this approach to essay writing bother you as much as it bothers me?

When did we become so desperate that we thought the only way to bring up analytical concepts was through mindlessly questioning our readers? Does this technique seem oddly like we are interrogating the reader? Why do some novice writers think they can carelessly pose theoretical questions and not expect the reader to want to answer at least some of them?

Who came up with this terrible style of writing? How far back can we trace the origins of the question back to? Did the earliest scribes realize what a terrible thing the question would become?

To begin we must ask: was the question used so superfluously in earlier times? Did it lose all meaning so early in its existence? Or did it at one time actually try to reach a response from the reader? How did the able writer come to such a means to misuse the question as simply another way to state a thought? Why not reserve the question for times of calling upon the reader to actually think?

When can the reader answer for once? Have we not convinced the reader to never answer because he was simply never given the chance? Before he could even answer the first question, did we not ask a second question in quick succession to distract from the first question? Does the question answer itself, or does the answer question the question before the question has time to answer? Do you follow?

What has society gained from the ever-so generic question? Will we ever return to a time when one like Descartes can pose a question with real meaning? (What does it mean to be?) Or will we be forever trapped in a world where Lil’ John can drain all previous meaning of the question every time he asks “what?”

Why question? Why not simply answer the question that needs not be posed? What has the question done to the writer to deserve such abuse? Doesn’t such an approach abolish all meaning from the question?

Don’t answer that.

CHS Students Rescued from Chilean Mine

B.T. Dubbs

The Spanish Department’s annual trip to Chile usually involves a few games of fútbol, a churro tasting and a Chilean mariachi band, but a jalapeño mine in the quaint village of Concepción, Chile collapsed, trapping this year’s unlucky group of “Spanish-speakers.”

“Soy de Carlsbad. Me llamo Daniel,” Spanish 2 Freshman Daniel Levin (Spanish name: Nacho) said. “El gato le gusta la pizza.”

Profe Feaster, who attended this year’s trip although no longer teaching, required all students to speak Spanish while trapped in the mine and during news coverage. Unfortunately, most students were not adept in speaking Spanish despite their quality CHS education.

“Yo...Yo...Yo...no me gusta Chile. ¿Dónde estån mis pantalones?” Freshman Mark Huckaby (Spanish name: Joaquín) said.

Suspected reasons for the unfortunate collapse of the jalapeño mine varied. Students mostly blamed the faulty Chilean construction regulations. Profe Feaster had her own idea as to why the mine collapsed.

“I told my students that Karma would find them. Several students did not finish their diarios on time,” Profe Feaster said. “Karma found them and got all of us.”

A lack of communication in the mine tore the group apart. As the students struggled to use their limited linguistic skills, local Chilean citizens tried to help. Even though the locals could speak English perfectly well, the CHS students refrained from using their native tongue.

“I attempted to communicate with the American youth in the easiest way possible,” Chilean citizen Juan Pablo Ramirez said. “I speak English, quite eloquently if I may say. Unfortunately, they only articulated things in broken Spanglish. It took me a few hours to understand that they were even trapped in the mine. I thought they were trying to tell me their cat enjoys pizza or something. Others just kept on telling me what their name and age was in Spanish.”

The Chilean government rescued the CHS students after 9 days. The students survived off jalepeños and the company of each other.

“I used this opportunidad para woo mi crush. I used the pick-up line, ‘Sus labios son como un río de amor y tengo sed,’” Levin said. “It’s uno of the few things in Spanish that I have encontrado mucho useful-o.”

Love was in the musty, jalapeño-filled air. Levin currently dates his Hispanic crush, Heralda. Struggles in the mine sparked steamy love interests, fights and quality bonding time. The present dangers experienced on this year’s trip resulted in an uproar of opposition to all future trips.

Poll Results: May 2011

It seems that Lancer Express is the worst, BSU is the best, and CHSTV is the one with the hairy chest.

Student makes HUGE mistake!

Today, an unsuspecting freshman who wishes to stay anonymous entered the library through the exit bar. The library troll proceeded to yell at the student for 14 minutes and banned the student from the library forever.

Seal spotting suggests summer?

Let me tell you a story.

A story about puppies (aww)... no, not that kind of puppy.

Seal puppies!!

Yesterday three Carlsbad students said they saw spotted seal puppies frolicking in the waves near Tower 38. The spotted seals happened to be spotted, too, but that's not the point.

For some reason, these three students wish to remain anonymous. Perhaps it is because they spotted the spotted seal pups while adding to their already spotty attendance record at school.

While this spot-on assumption adds little to our crucial environmental news, it does give context to the time in which the little cutie pie pups were seen--exactly 1:00 PM.

Why does this matter?

Let me tell you! (I shouldn't even have to explain, to be honest.)

Seal pups ONLY come out to play on the first of June at 1PM if they have something to say! And, ladies, and gentlemen, that something is that SUMMER will officially start two weeks from yesterday! This little-known fact has roots that go further than the legendary groundhog, who holds in its hands the power to postpone spring.

"I had no idea our seal spotting was so important," said one spotter. "But something seemed funny when I noticed the sun glaring down on the exact spot the seals chose for their fun."

Another witness spotted some peculiar actions taking place around the seal pups.

"A pelican swooped by the pups, and at first I worried it would try to gulp them up!" explained the second spotter. "What I saw next was crazy--it spat out four pairs of baby sunglasses for the seal pups to wear!"

Now, I know what you must be thinking. Doesn't summer ALWAYS start on June 21st?

Well, silly reader, no.

The "summer solstice" is, quite frankly, a scam. And our puppies can testify to that, which is exactly what they did.

"Just as we were about to leave, we noticed how the seals were passing some sort of object around in a circle," the last seal spotter said. "Then, the smallest seal shot the thing a wave. Turns out it was a message in a bottle. When we opened it, it said... well, I really can't remember."

Photojournalism: Freshmen continue to be welcomed after 9 months of school

That's long enough for a full pregnancy!

Conspiracy attacks the whiteboard

Breaking news:
Lancer Express Editor-in-Chief Hannah Nichols reportedly wrote an inappropriate message on the white-board next to the south door of the Lancer Express newsroom. The message included the words: "ASSES on the fló"
The message, believed to be a secret code, indicated that a possible conspiracy theory might be taking over CHS. MidKnight Train interviewed a member of Lancer Express about the development.
"I just don't know what to think!" Sophomore Alex Gnibus said. "Hannah never says or does anything inappropriate! Someone is totally out to get her."
Many people are believed to be out to attack Nichols and this "framing" does not follow Nichols normal mode of operation. Though Gnibus was confused at the supposed actions of Nichols, Lancer Express staff writer John Muoio wasn't as skeptical.
"I don't know, Hannah can get preeeeeeeeeetty shifty sometimes," Muoio said. "You just can't trust someone who never lies!"
Nevertheless, whether Ms. Nichols posted this message or not, it is a direct affront to her career and authority. Should anyone know any information confirming Ms. Nichols involvement or the involvement of another student, the information should be brought forward immediately.

Gopher Sightings

Ninja Jedi

 
Last week, for the first time in an unknown period of time, a gopher peeked his little head out of the ground around the 200 buildings. This gopher sighting was witnessed by no other than senior Joseph Clark.

“I was so excited to see a groundhog,” Clark says, reminiscing of his encounter with the deadly creature. “Upon closer examination, I realized this was no groundhog at all! It was a gopher!”
Gopher’s have been tricking people for centuries by luring people close to them, and then attacking them when they’re overwhelmed with the creatures cuteness. It is advised that if one SEES a gopher (or gopher they think is a groundhog), you run away screaming at the top of your lungs for assistance. Fortunately, this is the exact action that Clark took when pitted against his adversary.
“Luckily Shinne’s class was the closest classroom to my debacle,” Clark said. “Shinne then preceded to walk out of his room in a superhero like fashion and

CHS Offers New AP Puppetry Test

B.T. Dubbs

For two weeks in May, students suffer through the most stressful time of the year: AP tests. Countless hours of studying culminate in a three hour test covering all aspects of a certain subject. Most tests fall into the core curriculum categories such as math, science, language and history, but CHS plans to offer the Advanced Placement Puppetry test this year as well.

“We, at the guidance office, thought the AP Puppetry test would be a great opportunity for students,” Guidance Technician Mary DeLuca said. “Puppetry is an integral part of student life at CHS, and it would be an outright shame for us to not offer this test.”

Despite CHS not offering any actual puppetry classes, some students are choosing to take the test anyway. These honorable students feel confident in their abilities as puppeteers in spite of not having any formal training.

“Ever since I was three, I have loved puppets. They don’t judge you,” Senior Chase Totoris said. “My personal hero is Jim Henson. He’s given so much back to the puppet community. I’m more of a self-taught puppet master, but I hope my skills will pull through on the AP test.”

Above: Student practices for her AP
Puppetry exam using a home-made sock puppet.

On Jan. 3, College Board released exam content to the public. The test begins with a 90 minute multiple choice portion covering all from the history and science of puppetry to the language and rhetoric of ventriloquism, and everything in between. This part consists of 63 questions. Beginning this year for all AP tests, there is no penalty for incorrect answers.

After the multiple choice, testers begin a 45 minute writing section, where they are asked to analyze the impact of a certain puppet on the world. Sample analysis provided by the College Board is as follows:

“The existential undertone conveyed in Kermit’s obsidian, arching pupils overshadows his otherwise superfluous disposition. Similarly, Kermit’s strained singing voice in ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’ unearths the plight of the environmentally conscience individual and his misanthropic perception of mankind.”

The analysis will be graded on a scale from one to nine.

The final portion of the test includes a 45 minute puppet performance by each tester in front of a panel of seven AP-certified proctors. The proctors assess

UPDATE: Gnomes find fan pretentious

Baba Ganoush

The gnomes on the opposite side of the classroom have been staring glaringly at the fan. They're just jealous they're not as hot.

Photojournalism: Fan strikes a pose in the 3000 building

Baba Ganoush

This fan was just so excited to be in Mrs. Livingstone's room, it had to strike a pose. Look how sexy.

Senior Prank 2011

Ninja Jedi

Alright seniors, it’s now time for us to get our shit together. That’s right! I’m talking about having the most kick ass senior prank this high school (or any high school for that matter) has ever seen!
We have to show the administration that we are superior to all other senior classes in creativity for senior pranks! We can’t just go in and take over the teachers parking spots. NO! That’s stupid, and in my opinion, poorly thought out and executed.
This year, we gotta go all out on this sucker. We can’t be known as the senior class who didn’t give a crap about their senior prank. No, we’ve gotta blow other classes out of the water with a simply ingenious plan.
So how about some suggestions? Well, I believe that hamsters only cost like $3. If we can get 50 students to each buy one hamster and then let them go in the 3000 building, I’m sure that would cause much chaos. Or even just have two students that share a class get some sort of small rodent and unleash them in one of their classrooms.
Balloons aren’t too expensive right? What’s stopping us from
inflating 1000 balloons and putting them all inside the 3000 building early in the morning? I’ve always wanted to be a part of a food fight... If we can get 30 Seniors to start chucking food at each other, I’m certain other kids will join in. How about buying a bunch of rubber ducks and throwing them in the school pool? Does Costco sell plastic pink flamingos in bulk? I’m sure a couple hundred
of those on the new football field would have some people scratching their heads.
Spray painting out of order signs on all of the bathrooms, or even releasing 3 chickens on school grounds (respectively labeled 1, 2, and 4) will freak a lot of people out. How about getting 1000 Dixie paper cups and filling them up half full with water and laying them out in the halls and on the stairs of the 3000 building?
We, as seniors, have the responsibility to pull an awesome prank that people will remember for generations (or a few months). Why should we be limited to just one prank? I propose the idea of multiple senior pranks every day on the last two weeks before senior week. Everyone can split up into groups and determine which prank they wanna do, and then do said prank. Multiple pranks on the same day? Why the hell not?

Student Shows Up Late for Chemistry Class

MidKnight Train Admin

     Mrs. Stitts thought it was just another day of AP Chemistry. Unfortunately for Senior Nathaniel Herman, the chemistry with his teacher wasn’t there.

    On Apr. 20, Herman arrived at precisely 9:56 am, an entire 16 minutes late for class. Upon entering the classroom, he found his desk to be occupied by an Australian exchange student.

    “I wasn’t expecting someone to be sitting in my desk,” Herman said. “I was even more surprised when he opened his bloody mouth and it was an Aussie.”

    Before Herman could kick the bloody Aussie out of his seat, Stitts got involved.

    “You’re late,” Stitts said.

    Herman uttered something to do with a dingo baby to the Australian student before addressing Stitts about the dilemma.

    “Do I need a pass from the office?” Herman said.

    “Obvi,” Stitts said. “Otherwise, I have to mark you absent.”

    Herman skedaddled out of Room 2013 and into the Main Office. While walking through the front doors, he accidentally stumbled on the god-awful carpet. It was no big deal though.

    “He looked pretty embarrassed after tripping,” Attendance Lady Ms. Ogan said. “He tried to make it look like he was jogging or some shit, but then he figured no one saw it. I saw it. Oh, I saw it.”

    Herman received a tardy.