Poll Results: May 2011

It seems that Lancer Express is the worst, BSU is the best, and CHSTV is the one with the hairy chest.

Student makes HUGE mistake!

Today, an unsuspecting freshman who wishes to stay anonymous entered the library through the exit bar. The library troll proceeded to yell at the student for 14 minutes and banned the student from the library forever.

Seal spotting suggests summer?

Let me tell you a story.

A story about puppies (aww)... no, not that kind of puppy.

Seal puppies!!

Yesterday three Carlsbad students said they saw spotted seal puppies frolicking in the waves near Tower 38. The spotted seals happened to be spotted, too, but that's not the point.

For some reason, these three students wish to remain anonymous. Perhaps it is because they spotted the spotted seal pups while adding to their already spotty attendance record at school.

While this spot-on assumption adds little to our crucial environmental news, it does give context to the time in which the little cutie pie pups were seen--exactly 1:00 PM.

Why does this matter?

Let me tell you! (I shouldn't even have to explain, to be honest.)

Seal pups ONLY come out to play on the first of June at 1PM if they have something to say! And, ladies, and gentlemen, that something is that SUMMER will officially start two weeks from yesterday! This little-known fact has roots that go further than the legendary groundhog, who holds in its hands the power to postpone spring.

"I had no idea our seal spotting was so important," said one spotter. "But something seemed funny when I noticed the sun glaring down on the exact spot the seals chose for their fun."

Another witness spotted some peculiar actions taking place around the seal pups.

"A pelican swooped by the pups, and at first I worried it would try to gulp them up!" explained the second spotter. "What I saw next was crazy--it spat out four pairs of baby sunglasses for the seal pups to wear!"

Now, I know what you must be thinking. Doesn't summer ALWAYS start on June 21st?

Well, silly reader, no.

The "summer solstice" is, quite frankly, a scam. And our puppies can testify to that, which is exactly what they did.

"Just as we were about to leave, we noticed how the seals were passing some sort of object around in a circle," the last seal spotter said. "Then, the smallest seal shot the thing a wave. Turns out it was a message in a bottle. When we opened it, it said... well, I really can't remember."