CHS Students Rescued from Chilean Mine

B.T. Dubbs

The Spanish Department’s annual trip to Chile usually involves a few games of fútbol, a churro tasting and a Chilean mariachi band, but a jalapeño mine in the quaint village of Concepción, Chile collapsed, trapping this year’s unlucky group of “Spanish-speakers.”

“Soy de Carlsbad. Me llamo Daniel,” Spanish 2 Freshman Daniel Levin (Spanish name: Nacho) said. “El gato le gusta la pizza.”

Profe Feaster, who attended this year’s trip although no longer teaching, required all students to speak Spanish while trapped in the mine and during news coverage. Unfortunately, most students were not adept in speaking Spanish despite their quality CHS education.

“Yo...Yo...Yo...no me gusta Chile. ¿Dónde estån mis pantalones?” Freshman Mark Huckaby (Spanish name: Joaquín) said.

Suspected reasons for the unfortunate collapse of the jalapeño mine varied. Students mostly blamed the faulty Chilean construction regulations. Profe Feaster had her own idea as to why the mine collapsed.

“I told my students that Karma would find them. Several students did not finish their diarios on time,” Profe Feaster said. “Karma found them and got all of us.”

A lack of communication in the mine tore the group apart. As the students struggled to use their limited linguistic skills, local Chilean citizens tried to help. Even though the locals could speak English perfectly well, the CHS students refrained from using their native tongue.

“I attempted to communicate with the American youth in the easiest way possible,” Chilean citizen Juan Pablo Ramirez said. “I speak English, quite eloquently if I may say. Unfortunately, they only articulated things in broken Spanglish. It took me a few hours to understand that they were even trapped in the mine. I thought they were trying to tell me their cat enjoys pizza or something. Others just kept on telling me what their name and age was in Spanish.”

The Chilean government rescued the CHS students after 9 days. The students survived off jalepeños and the company of each other.

“I used this opportunidad para woo mi crush. I used the pick-up line, ‘Sus labios son como un río de amor y tengo sed,’” Levin said. “It’s uno of the few things in Spanish that I have encontrado mucho useful-o.”

Love was in the musty, jalapeño-filled air. Levin currently dates his Hispanic crush, Heralda. Struggles in the mine sparked steamy love interests, fights and quality bonding time. The present dangers experienced on this year’s trip resulted in an uproar of opposition to all future trips.

Poll Results: May 2011

It seems that Lancer Express is the worst, BSU is the best, and CHSTV is the one with the hairy chest.

Student makes HUGE mistake!

Today, an unsuspecting freshman who wishes to stay anonymous entered the library through the exit bar. The library troll proceeded to yell at the student for 14 minutes and banned the student from the library forever.

Seal spotting suggests summer?

Let me tell you a story.

A story about puppies (aww)... no, not that kind of puppy.

Seal puppies!!

Yesterday three Carlsbad students said they saw spotted seal puppies frolicking in the waves near Tower 38. The spotted seals happened to be spotted, too, but that's not the point.

For some reason, these three students wish to remain anonymous. Perhaps it is because they spotted the spotted seal pups while adding to their already spotty attendance record at school.

While this spot-on assumption adds little to our crucial environmental news, it does give context to the time in which the little cutie pie pups were seen--exactly 1:00 PM.

Why does this matter?

Let me tell you! (I shouldn't even have to explain, to be honest.)

Seal pups ONLY come out to play on the first of June at 1PM if they have something to say! And, ladies, and gentlemen, that something is that SUMMER will officially start two weeks from yesterday! This little-known fact has roots that go further than the legendary groundhog, who holds in its hands the power to postpone spring.

"I had no idea our seal spotting was so important," said one spotter. "But something seemed funny when I noticed the sun glaring down on the exact spot the seals chose for their fun."

Another witness spotted some peculiar actions taking place around the seal pups.

"A pelican swooped by the pups, and at first I worried it would try to gulp them up!" explained the second spotter. "What I saw next was crazy--it spat out four pairs of baby sunglasses for the seal pups to wear!"

Now, I know what you must be thinking. Doesn't summer ALWAYS start on June 21st?

Well, silly reader, no.

The "summer solstice" is, quite frankly, a scam. And our puppies can testify to that, which is exactly what they did.

"Just as we were about to leave, we noticed how the seals were passing some sort of object around in a circle," the last seal spotter said. "Then, the smallest seal shot the thing a wave. Turns out it was a message in a bottle. When we opened it, it said... well, I really can't remember."

Photojournalism: Freshmen continue to be welcomed after 9 months of school

That's long enough for a full pregnancy!

Conspiracy attacks the whiteboard

Breaking news:
Lancer Express Editor-in-Chief Hannah Nichols reportedly wrote an inappropriate message on the white-board next to the south door of the Lancer Express newsroom. The message included the words: "ASSES on the fló"
The message, believed to be a secret code, indicated that a possible conspiracy theory might be taking over CHS. MidKnight Train interviewed a member of Lancer Express about the development.
"I just don't know what to think!" Sophomore Alex Gnibus said. "Hannah never says or does anything inappropriate! Someone is totally out to get her."
Many people are believed to be out to attack Nichols and this "framing" does not follow Nichols normal mode of operation. Though Gnibus was confused at the supposed actions of Nichols, Lancer Express staff writer John Muoio wasn't as skeptical.
"I don't know, Hannah can get preeeeeeeeeetty shifty sometimes," Muoio said. "You just can't trust someone who never lies!"
Nevertheless, whether Ms. Nichols posted this message or not, it is a direct affront to her career and authority. Should anyone know any information confirming Ms. Nichols involvement or the involvement of another student, the information should be brought forward immediately.

Gopher Sightings

Ninja Jedi

 
Last week, for the first time in an unknown period of time, a gopher peeked his little head out of the ground around the 200 buildings. This gopher sighting was witnessed by no other than senior Joseph Clark.

“I was so excited to see a groundhog,” Clark says, reminiscing of his encounter with the deadly creature. “Upon closer examination, I realized this was no groundhog at all! It was a gopher!”
Gopher’s have been tricking people for centuries by luring people close to them, and then attacking them when they’re overwhelmed with the creatures cuteness. It is advised that if one SEES a gopher (or gopher they think is a groundhog), you run away screaming at the top of your lungs for assistance. Fortunately, this is the exact action that Clark took when pitted against his adversary.
“Luckily Shinne’s class was the closest classroom to my debacle,” Clark said. “Shinne then preceded to walk out of his room in a superhero like fashion and