Seal spotting suggests summer?

Let me tell you a story.

A story about puppies (aww)... no, not that kind of puppy.

Seal puppies!!

Yesterday three Carlsbad students said they saw spotted seal puppies frolicking in the waves near Tower 38. The spotted seals happened to be spotted, too, but that's not the point.

For some reason, these three students wish to remain anonymous. Perhaps it is because they spotted the spotted seal pups while adding to their already spotty attendance record at school.

While this spot-on assumption adds little to our crucial environmental news, it does give context to the time in which the little cutie pie pups were seen--exactly 1:00 PM.

Why does this matter?

Let me tell you! (I shouldn't even have to explain, to be honest.)

Seal pups ONLY come out to play on the first of June at 1PM if they have something to say! And, ladies, and gentlemen, that something is that SUMMER will officially start two weeks from yesterday! This little-known fact has roots that go further than the legendary groundhog, who holds in its hands the power to postpone spring.

"I had no idea our seal spotting was so important," said one spotter. "But something seemed funny when I noticed the sun glaring down on the exact spot the seals chose for their fun."

Another witness spotted some peculiar actions taking place around the seal pups.

"A pelican swooped by the pups, and at first I worried it would try to gulp them up!" explained the second spotter. "What I saw next was crazy--it spat out four pairs of baby sunglasses for the seal pups to wear!"

Now, I know what you must be thinking. Doesn't summer ALWAYS start on June 21st?

Well, silly reader, no.

The "summer solstice" is, quite frankly, a scam. And our puppies can testify to that, which is exactly what they did.

"Just as we were about to leave, we noticed how the seals were passing some sort of object around in a circle," the last seal spotter said. "Then, the smallest seal shot the thing a wave. Turns out it was a message in a bottle. When we opened it, it said... well, I really can't remember."

Photojournalism: Freshmen continue to be welcomed after 9 months of school

That's long enough for a full pregnancy!

Conspiracy attacks the whiteboard

Breaking news:
Lancer Express Editor-in-Chief Hannah Nichols reportedly wrote an inappropriate message on the white-board next to the south door of the Lancer Express newsroom. The message included the words: "ASSES on the fló"
The message, believed to be a secret code, indicated that a possible conspiracy theory might be taking over CHS. MidKnight Train interviewed a member of Lancer Express about the development.
"I just don't know what to think!" Sophomore Alex Gnibus said. "Hannah never says or does anything inappropriate! Someone is totally out to get her."
Many people are believed to be out to attack Nichols and this "framing" does not follow Nichols normal mode of operation. Though Gnibus was confused at the supposed actions of Nichols, Lancer Express staff writer John Muoio wasn't as skeptical.
"I don't know, Hannah can get preeeeeeeeeetty shifty sometimes," Muoio said. "You just can't trust someone who never lies!"
Nevertheless, whether Ms. Nichols posted this message or not, it is a direct affront to her career and authority. Should anyone know any information confirming Ms. Nichols involvement or the involvement of another student, the information should be brought forward immediately.

Gopher Sightings

Ninja Jedi

 
Last week, for the first time in an unknown period of time, a gopher peeked his little head out of the ground around the 200 buildings. This gopher sighting was witnessed by no other than senior Joseph Clark.

“I was so excited to see a groundhog,” Clark says, reminiscing of his encounter with the deadly creature. “Upon closer examination, I realized this was no groundhog at all! It was a gopher!”
Gopher’s have been tricking people for centuries by luring people close to them, and then attacking them when they’re overwhelmed with the creatures cuteness. It is advised that if one SEES a gopher (or gopher they think is a groundhog), you run away screaming at the top of your lungs for assistance. Fortunately, this is the exact action that Clark took when pitted against his adversary.
“Luckily Shinne’s class was the closest classroom to my debacle,” Clark said. “Shinne then preceded to walk out of his room in a superhero like fashion and

CHS Offers New AP Puppetry Test

B.T. Dubbs

For two weeks in May, students suffer through the most stressful time of the year: AP tests. Countless hours of studying culminate in a three hour test covering all aspects of a certain subject. Most tests fall into the core curriculum categories such as math, science, language and history, but CHS plans to offer the Advanced Placement Puppetry test this year as well.

“We, at the guidance office, thought the AP Puppetry test would be a great opportunity for students,” Guidance Technician Mary DeLuca said. “Puppetry is an integral part of student life at CHS, and it would be an outright shame for us to not offer this test.”

Despite CHS not offering any actual puppetry classes, some students are choosing to take the test anyway. These honorable students feel confident in their abilities as puppeteers in spite of not having any formal training.

“Ever since I was three, I have loved puppets. They don’t judge you,” Senior Chase Totoris said. “My personal hero is Jim Henson. He’s given so much back to the puppet community. I’m more of a self-taught puppet master, but I hope my skills will pull through on the AP test.”

Above: Student practices for her AP
Puppetry exam using a home-made sock puppet.

On Jan. 3, College Board released exam content to the public. The test begins with a 90 minute multiple choice portion covering all from the history and science of puppetry to the language and rhetoric of ventriloquism, and everything in between. This part consists of 63 questions. Beginning this year for all AP tests, there is no penalty for incorrect answers.

After the multiple choice, testers begin a 45 minute writing section, where they are asked to analyze the impact of a certain puppet on the world. Sample analysis provided by the College Board is as follows:

“The existential undertone conveyed in Kermit’s obsidian, arching pupils overshadows his otherwise superfluous disposition. Similarly, Kermit’s strained singing voice in ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’ unearths the plight of the environmentally conscience individual and his misanthropic perception of mankind.”

The analysis will be graded on a scale from one to nine.

The final portion of the test includes a 45 minute puppet performance by each tester in front of a panel of seven AP-certified proctors. The proctors assess

UPDATE: Gnomes find fan pretentious

Baba Ganoush

The gnomes on the opposite side of the classroom have been staring glaringly at the fan. They're just jealous they're not as hot.

Photojournalism: Fan strikes a pose in the 3000 building

Baba Ganoush

This fan was just so excited to be in Mrs. Livingstone's room, it had to strike a pose. Look how sexy.